Time passes by most peacefully here. I look to the travellers and messengers but it is very quiet here at present. I suppose most travel toward Valorn now for the festival. I wonder if it has started. The crushing weighted feeling is lifting though a melancholy remains. I feel detached from things. I do not mind - it is why I came I suppose. No word from home. I wonder if my messages have got through. Why I should have written to Richard again after all this time I do not know. I doubt that message will be delivered - even if it has reached Valorn how could it find its way to him? Dearest Purazon and Korba have not managed it. All I can hope is that no trace is a good sign. He always was a forestman of great skill.

I hope the little box made it to its destination; though I doubt the sense in sending that either. Here I am hiding myself away and then I reach out to others..... what a mess this head is in sometimes.

The warmth is creeping into my bones now though. So that's a good sign.

I went to the places dear remembered. I knelt so long waiting to see if that same feeling would rush through me again. It did not. I so wish it had but without them here it could not.

This solemn time of solitude does make you remember what you have to still cling to.........

I do not like this restlessness of spirit.

Fear seems to be able to take a hold in so many ways. Fear of the dark, fear of the creatures in the dark, fear of death…..fear of loss……

I told them all - well most - of what was on my mind. Surely it was not wrong to do it? I needed to do it. If I had not unburdened myself and told them I would have gone mad. You can only ask yourself the same questions so many times - especially when the answers your inner self gives back to you are so unpalatable and so…..frightening. One promise broken, then two, then three - how many more? What that I have been told can I actually rely on? Still I ask myself what I could, or should, have done. Now I ask what I thought I was doing writing to them from this far place. I have committed the sin that distancing myself was designed to prevent. By unburdening myself, I have burdened another. Thoughts and words cannot just float above our heads - no indeed. They will fall somewhere - crash down on someone. They feel so very, very far away. I am not alone, but the gods know how I feel it as though I were.

There is comfort to be had here - it is the kind of place that has so many distractions. It is easy to forget for fleeting moments why I am here. I wonder if they have received or read the message I sent. I have no idea how long it might take to get there - or even if, I suppose. So perhaps their burdens are not increased yet….

May Cory and Ben’s beautiful images keep me from utter despair. May my words not have driven away the one I cling to.

May they all be happy.

There is such beauty in the world: Such warmth and grace; such wonder to behold. Yet I can see none of it. I feel such a sense of loss. I feel empty and hollow - as though if I were to tap my chest the sound would reverberate around all this nothingness. I do not know what to think or how to react. I am not falling apart - I do not even know how to do that. The only thing to interrupt all this nothing is a feeling of dread that grows inside me like a tumour. So sure have I been of myself and my place here: So sure of my comfort and solace. So sure in all the promises people have made to me. So trusting…. All their voices seem so distant now. Indeed they are distant. They are like echoing memories that ring in my ears. ‘I will not leave you’ says one. ‘I will not abandon you’ says another. ‘I could never leave’….. torturing me day and night so I can get no rest. When I dream I dream of hands outstretched to me - only they are not stretching out to me - they are gradually moving away until there is no way I could reach them.

The sun is warm here and bright. All is clean and as I remember - so beautiful as to be almost unreal. Yet I feel in shadow and cold to the bone. Nothing worse than light winking out and that is what has happened. Yes, even his warm light - the light that would never leave - gone.

How deep are my failings. How pointless my being. I could give them no comfort and now they have left. And how more cutting those failings when it has been so easy to find another place that can give them what I, what we, could not.

And that dearest of ones. What comfort could I possibly give them? What words? What useless gesture that could even think about penetrating the shell of grief and pain I know they will be feeling. I never knew one so good as them. I never knew one with such capacity for generous love. It will break them if they do not remember what they still have. No - better to remove myself for a time. Go where all my inadequacies cannot mock me so mercilessly. Go where I am not adding to the burdens of any. Cowardly act I suppose yet I cannot apologise for it. I need to be strong - I am not strong, but I need to be. I need to not be weak in front of people. There are no tears or tremblings. No weeping or falling down in desperate prayer. No desire to hurl myself into the oceans here….well… not without a ship to bear me away. There is just nothing. An absence of emotion.

To not be able to help those you love must surely be the worst despair there could be in life. Without Purazon and Azure I do not know what or where I would be. I love the guild dearly but I am beyond helping them just now.

I did not venture far, I did not need to. In that deep bowel of evil the creatures lie in wait in great numbers. Certainly this great physical weariness and tired numbness of mind did not come from travelling great distances. I could not see where I tread, but I had only stumbled a short way in those tunnels. It brought me battles enough. Each shattering blow on my shield and thrust of my rapier blocked out the land above ground. The ground at my feet was thick with bodies. The stench was growing hard to bear. I looked on it as a trial. A trial that is nowhere near the trials others are facing. No - I should be glad to have faced this. I should be thankful this was all I faced. I tried to block their face from my mind. I did not want them in such an unfitting place even if only through my eyes. I need to get away perhaps. Far, far away from here and all the suffering and pain that goes on. Away from dark and evil. Nearer the gods, and to them if the gods would will it. Further than any messenger could travel…To forget…just for a while to forget and be in a place of safety that is not threatened by dark shadows…I would selfishly savour each precious second of them and we would be man and woman and no more. But that could not be. They will never want to be away from their duties. It is the most important thing to them I know. It was hard to tell how long I had been there as the marcs were one long blend of time. I was weary, but not exhausted. I had supplies enough. My heart is numb and cold, but then being there so long, it would be. How long has it been since I returned to the halls? Too long to remember. I will return if they call me - otherwise it will seem strange to wander there….

….my mind is so distracted. What was I writing….. oh yes. Suddenly Shirila was there. Just as suddenly there was news of demons in my beloved eastern mountains. It was so good to see her - she got us both there by portal. She sensed something in me for she shadowed me - there were no creatures that would engage me but a brave young warrior went past and fought gallantly…. When it was over I realised how good it was to be out of those wretched tunnels and on the light. The air was cold but clean and I did not mind it. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply trying to expel all the heaviness that lays upon me. Good as it was to see her, I knew where I wanted to go. Told her I would go there…. She followed me and came to see my place. Saw the temple as I see it. Gently she asked if I needed a portal away from there. I did not think before I answered and told her there was nowhere I would rather be. Nearer to Strifegorge, nearer to Branishor, and even though they were not there - nearer to them. She left me to my thoughts…I wonder if she really knows what she has done for me this day.

So I sit. I think. I pray. I mourn. I love. I mourn because I love. The day looks greyer than usual…

Comfort to be had in the dark. In the dark you cannot see or be seen. If you stay very still, nothing would even know you exist. If you do not exist then nothing can touch you. I suspect there is more than one person this day who would like not to exist, not to feel……others though who will not wish to fade to nothing - their work is too important, they are too important. So they must exist and feel and hurt. And I can do nothing to comfort any of them. They must carry on with their duties and uphold us as ever they have. I trust in them and believe in them and they will do it - but oh the silent tears that will be wept. If I stay here in the quiet and dark perhaps I can pretend all is as it was. When I come back to the light - and I will come back to the light - everyone will be as they were. Festival will come and people will sing and dance, drink and eat. I will remember yet another who would never leave me and now has. I was told once that you can only ever trust in yourself. That everyone else will always let you down in the end. I do not think I believe that - not yet. But those words seem to ring a lot truer than they did yesterday. Kings, friends, brothers, sisters…. where have you all gone? Even the gods have left my soul sometimes. Only one can I truly rely on, better than myself. I do not rely on myself at all. I long for them, yearn for them, need to cling to them. How I want them. But I cannot burden them with any more than they are asked to bear right now. However strong they are, however broad their shoulders, surely there must come a point when a body can take no more. All I can do is hope I am there if they need me. And hope I do not let them down as I must have done others for them to have done what they have done. I will spend the day killing. These words training, hunting, farming….. at the end it is all killing after all.

Vanishing mist.
So all seems.
Like lovers kissed.
Like sweetest dreams.
The strongest ties.
As words of friends:
Or promise made.
Watch spirits bend.
Memories fade.
Sweetness cloys.
Light grows dark.
Hear the noise....
No song of lark.
Feel the pain.
Feel the cold.
All insane.
My spirit old.

I have begun to count my heartbeats in quiet moments to try and gauge the time. Day and night do not exist here. The darkness and shadows are always the same regardless of Sunrifter’s beloved tracing of the skies above ground. Yet I have the gods with me even though they have abandoned this place and I have warmth and light within me even though they are not here. My senses grow sharper and sharper. I can perceive distant movement now long before it can be seen or heard. Sometimes it goes too far. My breathing at rest has grown shallow and quiet - minimal to survive. I have not done this consciously; it just seems to have happened. The body and mind can adapt incredibly quickly. Yet even this smallest of movement and slightest of sounds comes to my sleeping brain and lurches it into a wide awake terror thinking it is some other being making those sounds. If that happens then resting again does not come so quickly. Then it feels as though all those thoughts creep like an army into my head and crush all good thoughts and pure memories. So I fumble at my neck and put their ring upon my finger and remember that new life grows from tiny berries. I slip my hand inside my pack to grasp the gem that lies safe within it and remember that I am one of two. While they breathe, I breathe. While they have faith, I have faith. While they live, I live. While they love, I love. And there is the hope that lets me close my eyes again.

“Warmth caressing my face wakes me and just for a moment I keep my eyes closed tight shut. I smile and savour it. I can sense warm golden colour through my closed eyes. My fingers begin to lose their cold stiffness and the warmth of another’s hand seeps into mine as it folds about them. I feel light: As though I might just float away right now. An arm slipped around my back and a hand resting gently at the curve of my waist keeps me here on this plain though. I feel alive. I open my eyes to see the skirts of my dress - blue as my eyes. The colour is reflected in their battle gear. Both our heads are uncovered and, just for once, we can see each other just as we are. Gentle eyes look to mine and a soft mouth smiles as mine. One of my hands slips to mirror theirs and rests at their waste on their cold armour. The other sits within their own as our arms extend. We move and turn round and about to unheard songs. My hair is loose and whirls about me. We dance across the meadow in silent reverie into a warm, glowing dawn….”

It felt awful, actually, to open my eyes back into the cold damp gloom. I suppose it is nearly that time again. That time when singing and dancing and stories and laughter will be the order of things. How sad it makes me in a way. For at the last festival Richard was quite the hunter in green. How he teased the ‘Little Crier’. And after all that time and effort he never did teach me. The gods did not will us the time. I still have the boots. The dress became bindings after…. Well. No matter. No elegant lady I - not now - for dancing. Richard would have tried but I would not have made them a worthy partner I am sure - though sometimes I admit to myself, just for a fleeting moment, how wonderful it would feel to be just a woman dancing with a man. These things seem so far away….. yet it was only awful for a moment. The dream was so strong I felt them there - really felt them there and danced with them safe in their arms - though it has never happened in reality of course. They dance a dance of survival and battle. I cannot dance that with them - I am not strong enough. I imagine Richard chuckling to himself as he watches us. Ah Richard…. Perhaps the festival will mark your return. I can only pray for that.

I hope everyone enjoys it - let the Dark One not cast gloom and a cloud over it. Let old friends come back to us. Let those who carry such burdens through the year feel them sit lighter…. Just for a little while. And maybe, just maybe, if you will it dear goddesses, let our eyes fall to each others in some place or other and share a cup. Share our thoughts and maybe, just maybe, even dance.

Now I feel warm as though a cosy fire were lit here…

I have prayed so hard for them. Wished that I could have told them my hearts wishes and desires on this special day. Longed to see that gentle face - just that little bit older and just as wise as ever. Well in this quiet, terrible dark, the thought of them brings me warmth and light. I celebrate quietly in my heart the wonderful day that the gods saw fit to breathe life into them and let them be brought forth to the world, just as I celebrate them doing the same for me - breathing life into me and bringing me back to the world. Ah dearest goddesses - let the day be kind. Let no evil befall them. Let them sit back and wade in good memories. Let them have no cares and let them have food and drink and chatter. Let tales be told and songs be sung. And let them think on me - I have no gift for them but all of me - though that may not be much, there is no more I could give.

Strange…. All is still as dark as ever it was down here, but my heart is full of light. Where I trembled and hid in the dark and fought as I knew I must but in a sort of…. deep, dark daze, I now find myself holding my breath and my heart almost pounding in excitement. I narrow my eyes against the gloom and stalk them now rather than waiting to be discovered and having to fight my way out of a desperate corner. Oh yes… they fear the sting of my blade now and will continue to for a good time to come. I feel my face slide into a grin as I anticipate the final blow I will make. DO not think I am complacent - I am not - I have been hurt sore to the point I almost tried to send out a desperate message for help. Others move past me and draw more creatures than I can take down in one go sometimes. I have mastered the art of freezing quite, quite still. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. They either pass me by with new prey on their minds or gang up in a ferocious, frenzied attack. If I wake feeling half dead, and still in the dark, I know I passed out. It does not happen often. I make up songs and poems and recite them in my head if I feel fear creeping up on me once more. Perhaps I will write them down one day. Not until there is enough light to see though.

I love my life but I hate spiders.

Today I woke into a soft dream after all the darkness that has passed of late. I had to close my eyes again and lie very still for several minutes. I know that sometimes a dream, however wonderful, can slip away as the mind wrestles with the body to waken it. Dreams can slip into the subconscious to be lost forever. So I expected it may be. Then suddenly I knew it was not a dream. I felt a shiver as I lay on the soft grass under our flag and something passed through me as though…. well I cannot say for I do not remember feeling this way before. But it was wonderful. It was gentle and fulfilling and swept me of darkness.

It was a day of strange things for me yesterday….. I woke in the dark; both body mind and soul as much as the gloom of the caves. I felt fear and despair and all the things the darker places of the lands can invoke. I had a moment where I doubted myself….doubted my purpose…doubted my dedication….doubted my ability to even dare to imagine I could lead someone to the Clerichood…. I doubted how long my mind would be able to keep them within it. And without that - as much as losing my gods… I would be lost and dead indeed.

Then it seemed all turned to the gods - even in that gods forsaken place. I had prayed. Of course I had prayed. But without hope and that is no prayer at all. Then it seemed that all started to fall into place. I came to the farthest reaches of the deeper darkness and she was there - dear Sorynn. Last I had heard of her was good Abalan telling me in hesitant tones, and as humble as he always is, that he was concerned. That he had found her upon Worldbuilder Lawn and she had told him she had a fever. I have neglected her - how can I not have know that. Yet here she was - and not just she - she held watch over a Blue guardian whose existence I have come to doubt! The battle went by in a blur - it seemed I was more than eager and ready to bring it down. Perhaps it was all the waiting. It yielded nothing - nothing I could take to the Elucidators…. But it was a treasure anyway. I passed it to her. Then, wholly unexpected, she gently pressed something into my hands. It was a beautiful bracelet - perfect in construction and skilfully done. Somehow she had managed to capture and weave together red and white flowers that glow like jewels. She fastened it onto my wrist and I felt as though…. it was as though Cory’s light shone from the bracelet and his blinding light from her herself. It pierced the darkness as surely as any bright torch. I felt quite overwhelmed and sank myself down against the wall and leaned back. I murmured something - I cannot remember what and I am sure she had something to say to me - but it remained unsaid. I finally got some rest. It was a clear rest, if slightly uneasy and brief in duration, without being bathed in shadows and surrounded by dark fear. When I awoke she was gone but I felt less heavy than I have. I felt able to get up and get on and I did.

Later I heard some news. A man had been talking to Derema about prayer and had said he always asked for something big and perhaps that was why his prayers went unanswered. Then as he prayed a miracle happened! A giant Treasure Box appeared at his feet and then either turned into, or opened to reveal, nothing but red smoke. Surely then the gods were with them and listening and watching and surely this was a reminder that the gods are not their to fulfil dreams….. whatever it was I know it now to have been a good sign. When first it happened, I knew none of the particulars and had not spoken with the adventurer and was filled with anxiety. I sent a message to Knight Raffe as he was abroad…the Knights should always know of such things. Then by some strange coincidence one of the arachnids lost a treasure box to me as it lay dying. It is still not open…. I have not seen one in so long I had almost forgotten what they are. I am sure the boxes themselves must come from some distant trader - but it must be a secret trade indeed. I have never seen among the craftsmen a skilled carpenter… I suppose the land has greater need for armour and weapons. Wherever they come from I was glad to see it.

And so the day (or night, I knew not which) lumbered on until I slay a creature and in panic heard something and spun around ready to attack again. At first I was sure my eyes must be deceiving me. In the gloom there was a brightness and the shape tall…. I hesitated and it would have been my downfall - but as my eyes adapted I realised it was them. They had come to me even in that dreadful place. I was sure the goddesses had come back to my mind and given me a glorious vision. But they spoke and were there and had arms that were real enough as they took me to them and spoke calming words. I felt as though there was a shield wrapped about me. Even in that terrible dark place there was light. The moments they quietly held me there seemed an eternity - will seem an eternity - whenever I recall them. As we moved gently apart the dark fell away and brilliant light came into me though it did not show itself in the tunnels. Suddenly they raised their ring up for me to see. ‘Could you?’ they said. Everything stopped for a moment - I did not comprehend. Could I what…… then embarrassed I realised they could not see and being the great warrior they are felt unprepared to face a danger they could not see. Though they have forsaken that place their blessings had not forsaken me and soon both our rings shone in the darkness. That made them seem much easier in one way and more anxious in another. They could sense danger ahead. They said I had been too long in the dark and it was time for some light. We fought our way out together - they lifted me up out of the sticky holes into the corridors above. I do not know whether it was emotion or sheer exhaustion but my arms would not pull me up. And then there! I ran right into the thing. Another guardian. Another dull treasure. But it was a sign I am sure. Their charged blade shone in their hand and they sensed further danger. They slipped a sand-burster claw into my hands and whispered that it was to keep me safe. I was overwhelmed suddenly by their care of me - it still feels like such a wonderful, precious thing and something undeserved still. I reached up and kissed them and then rushed into those last tunnels slaying all in our path.

Finally we were at the tree. I do not know what came over me but I felt suddenly tied there in the dark land. It was trying to keep me there as much as the other trees in the dark forest leaned away. Their voice broke the spell….’almost there dear one…’ and we were in the light. They knew now I think that I was on the edge of my strength. They strode North and I followed and they were waiting for me at the trainer. Dear Ural - how good to see him. I did remember to bow and as he bestowed upon me new skills I was watching their dear face as they were mine. I hope Ural did not think me rude.

I saw then that they looked as tired as I. They told me to find rest at the memorial garden as they returned to their duty. I murmured something as they flashed from view and was not sure they had heard. I stumbled off to the garden and lay down thankfully at the feet of the Kimaldian’s of old - so brave and inspiring. And a message came - my words came back to me. Beautiful. I toyed with the beautiful bracelet of blooms twined about my wrist and sleep did come over me.

So yes - I woke to this soft dreamlike state. Many things I think of in the pale morning light. They came to my mind as soon as I awoke and the cloak about my shoulders felt as their arms. Soft and warm and safe.

The gods spoke many times to me yesterday. My prayers were answered in that my dear sister in good health - she says - came to me and a guardian that I have prayed for the wisdom and skill to find was before me. Two prayers answered. News from the adventurer who received a sign from the gods that prayer is listened to always. Three prayers answered. They came to me - how I yearned and prayed for that. Four prayers answered. Ural received me and they were there to see it. Five prayers answered. Words from Laila and Leyah. Six prayers answered. Sweet rest in the clean air of our garden. Seven prayers answered.

Joy, love, happiness, fulfilment untold. The most blessed woman in the land writes on this page.

Scitter scutter. Scitter scutter.
Sighing, crying, moaning, mutter.
Scutter scitter. Scutter scitter.
We will bleed you every critter.
Hither thither. Hither thither.
Suck your life and watch you wither.
Hunt and find you. Hunt and find you.
You will perish when we bind you.

I hear them now even when I am asleep. Blessed Cory - this path is hard, but I will follow it even though it is blindly…

I am determined to stay here. If I am to be any kind of mentor to Leyah how can I not? I made a promise to myself that I would stay here - that I would seek out what I need to gain all the skills open to me as a cleric. If I leave then I show that I am weak: But oh Cory, how I long for your blessed light. The darkness raids my very soul: Almost as the demons raid beloved Valorn.

It is getting harder to remember things. I do not know how long I have been here. Faces and memories blur into one another in the shadows. My dreams have been…. unpleasant and unpleasant to wake from. Waking should be a relief but in those brief moments before I am truly awake, when I am in suspension and between life and death (or so it feels) it seems my dreams were true. It sometimes takes several marcs and battles with these creatures before I know I am alive. The darkness is real and remains. At least, it seems, my body has managed to make some kind of antibody against the venom. I would not say I felt well, but I do not feel as I did when the poison ran in my blood and sickness overwhelmed me.

I have forgotten the taste of food. I have supplies and am eating, but what I consume does not seem to taste of anything. The air is dank and still.

How I long for them. I have wept bitter tears even as I fight for the want of them. If I close my eyes tight. If I squeeze my water gems in my hand and twist my ring I can see them. But how long before even that memory fades….. no. It will not fade. It cannot fade. Even thinking that makes me truly horrified at myself and brings me hope. Get up! Get up now and fight some more….

Optimistic as I remain it is strange how this deep, dark place affects the mind. It is odd. The light is dim indeed only really generated by myself and what I carry. The shadows seem to grow longer and darker the longer I spend here. I find myself brooding in my few periods of rest. It is the darkness spilling over into me I know and I try to stop it. I am trying so hard. It seems though in these timeless moments that all those I hold in prayer swim before my eyes and they seem more vulnerable and beyond help than they did. Shirila with all the doubts running through her mind. Dear Purazon - in danger and seeming so distant. I do not mean distant in his demeanour but distant as in a long way away. And Sorynn. She is much in my mind and I am frightened by what that brings. There is a strange, cold sense as though she were floating above me and I cannot reach her. But I can put my hand in my pocket and touch the words I was sent by one and that brings some warmth and comfort to me. I seem to feel cold all the time. The presence of others makes me shrink away. It seems many are drawn here at present - too many for me to help and too many for me not to be in their way. I retreat into the far reaches of the tunnels and sit quietly in the darkness with just the slightest sound of my breathing for company mixed with shrieks and cries of despair both human and not human. I saw the glimpse of a guardian - I saw the remains where someone had just slain it. Did it give what they sought? I hope so and have tried so hard to swallow my disappointment. I have still been challenged by none. I will keep looking though.

When I close my eyes I see a man before me wearing a crown. He looks sad. I know it cannot be real but the vision keeps coming back to me. It troubles me and calls to me all at once. I feel warmth and pain from it. I choose to only remember the warmth - all the while I can.